Vacation in 3 days!

Ethan is talking about his birthday on the big ship non-stop. If we ask him what he is going to do for his birthday, he says, have cake and eat it! on the big ship! With Unca Donny, and Aunt Susan (it is actually Aunt Suzie. but for some reason he combines my cousin Susan with Aunt Suzie!) Grammy and Pop Pop and not Bear, cause doggies aren't allowed. and Mommy, and Daddy and Aunt Nise (Denise) and Corny (Courtney)  or some variation of that. He never forgets Uncle Donny, who is my uncle and his Godfather. So sweet.

Todd and I love cruising, but it will be a very different experience with a toddler. Especially with our neverstitstillhavetomoveandseeandtoucheverything toddler. We are even considering this:

Yup, that is a backpack leash. But better to get stared at than to be chasing my kid  30mph through the pool deck, right?
Ooh, I forgot to share. (I promise, this is relevant!) I have a new love... purchased with the last of my gift cards to buybuy,baby... we are now the proud owners of this amazingly light and easy stroller, that Ethan LOVES to sit and even lie down in!

Look at that sunshade! Look at the small size, but HUGE seat area! and the fold, oh how I love the fold! Check this out:
video of amazing fold!



This will also help keep E contained on the ship, or in Bermuda!

And finally, the next portion of this post is tips for cruising, compiled for my Mom and Aunt! :) I offer no guarantees, I merely collected and collated the information!

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Basic Cruise info!
Packing 101

there is only one US - style outlet in most of the cabins, bring a power strip

a lighted alarm clock is a good \ A night light helps to find the way to the bathroom.

- take suction cup hooks--they will stick on the walls and the mirrors, I've used them for hanging wet suits, makeup/toiletry bags, inexpensive necklaces, and curling irons / blowdryers.

- Buy your water shoes at home. If you are doing water based excursions, you will need them.

- Pack shirts, pants, anything susceptible to wrinkles in dry cleaner bags. Or send a bag to the ship's laundry the first day. Prices are very reasonable

- Bring a sweater for nights in the dining room and theater. It gets very chilly.

- Got a $1 over-the-door shoe rack for the bathroom door. Great for putting all kinds of stuff in.

- Post-it notes. Great for leaving note to steward, others traveling with you, etc.

- Backpack for ports

- Notebook journal - you'll otherwise forget what you did day to day if you're like me!

- OFF bug spray - still itching from some beach days

- bubble wrap to wrap breakable goodies

- PLENTY of dollar bills in SMALL denominations. Tough to bargain down to a great deal - then hand them a large bill.

- Bring wire or other light hangers. NCL will provide some hangers -- and your steward can bring more, upon request, but you still might not find that enough.

- Some people bring highlighters for marking up the Freestyle Dailies.

- Pack an expandable, but lightweight, bag for carting stuff home at the end of the trip. You'll need it, no matter how much you plan to go through while on your cruise.

- Rooms have hair dryers -- the kind you'd find in most hotel rooms. If you have a hairstyle that demands precise blowout, or you have thick hair, you might want to bring your own.

- There are two types of evenings onboard: casual, and formal. Suggested guidelines for these nights are:

Casual: Sport shirts and slacks for men, sundresses or pants for women
Formal: Suits and ties or tuxedos for men, cocktail dresses for women


What to do when boarding!

When you arrive at the port, you will be directed to a porter, who will take your luggage. Be sure to have not the only the provided tags, but your own tags with your name, number and address. It is customary to tip the porters. You will then be directed to park, and then take a shuttle to the terminal.

At the terminal, an agent will check your cruise documents, and issue your sea pass. Your picture will be taken both for the sea pass card and for a souvenir you can purchase later. Hopefully after a very short wait, you will board!


- look at the art work, where there are ships, or fishes on the carpet, the head will be facing the front of the ship, it helps to give you a sense of direction.


Remember, you will be unable to go to your room immediately following boarding. However, the windjammer will be open at 12 for lunch

- go to the dining room and make sure you're ok with your seating assignment

- You should send any pressing you want done out for the formal on the second night (if that's when it is) on the first day

- Ask the steward to clear the fridge, that way you are not tempted to buy those overpriced items on a whim


You can get a deck of free playing cards at the Purser's desk.

Purser will also punch a hole in your room key / charge card to attach it to your lanyard or keyring

You want to be on the portside of the ship during sailaway so you can get a great view of Manhattan. Get your camera ready and be sure to take pictures of the Verrazano Bridge as you go under it

The Compass (daily memo of days activities, left in your cabin) on Day #1 will have the time and location (Studio B) for the Ice Show ticket distribution.

Know that when you board the ship, and you encounter a waiter with a tray of "Welcome Aboard" drinks...they are NOT "free
Food stuffs!

Included Food: All food in main dining room, all food in the windjammer café, all promenade café foods. Iced tea, coffee, tea and water are also included.
Foods with the extra fee: specialty restaurants (portofinos, Johnny Rockets) Soda (even seltzer) alcohol, bottled water, specialty coffees are not included. Tips are always included when you are charged for a specialty drink.

You can order fresh berries - raspberries, blueberries, strawberries -- with whipped cream every night for desert.

They also serve NY Strip Steak any night or every night. Another big hit is getting shrimp cocktail every night if you ask for it in advance.

There is a charge of $3.95 if you use room service between the hours of 12 midnight and 5AM. All other times are free, but tip your delivery person in cash!


The Jade Grill ( port side of Windjammer café) offers Asian entrees such as congee and miso soups, various curries and Chinese dishes and sushi that change daily.

Seating in the Island Grill area (of the windjammer) is more available than in the Windjammer.

The table servers come around to offer beverages (both free and extra cost)

Yet another food venue is the Café Promenade in the Royal Promenade on deck 5.

- Be sure and get the honey stung chicken for lunch off the buffet (it's only available embarkation day}

- The omelet station in the Windjammer will also make other kinds of eggs

- Don't miss the salad bar in the MDR at lunch time. It is awesome!

- If you eat dinner in the main dining room, do not be shy about ordering several appetizers or main dishes. Just put in the entire order when the waiter/waitress asks for your initial order. It is not easy for them to go back for more after each course is served.

- The waiters will bring you anything you want (even off menu) I got a bowl of fresh berries for dessert one night as I didn’t fancy the desserts on menu - also they will bring extra lobster on that night - just ask.

- If you like a lot of water or other beverage with your dinner, ask the assistant waiter to have several glasses at your plate every night.

- There will be a dinner menu posted outside the upper level entrances of the MDR

Lunch and breakfast is served in the lower levels of the Main Dining Room (MDR)

- Afternoon Snacks" in the Windjammer from 3-5p, had the BEST hot scones each day, they also had hot bread pudding, and all sorts of other goodies! All free, and never crowded!

- Grab a cookie or ham and cheese croissant before you crash at the Cafe.

- chili chorizo dip from room service is excellent Ask for extra chips though, weren't enough chips for the big bowl of dip they brought us

-if you order room service for breakfast, order whatever you want (i.e. it doesn't have to be just what is on the printed menu. Don't forget to tip the delivery man!

- When you're in any bar or lounge, you can ask for trail mix and you'll get a DELICIOUS jar of nuts, seeds, raisins and yogurt-covered things. Free

- If you have a soda card, go to one of the smaller bars and nicely ask for canned soda. If you get it, the next time you come, bring a $10 and tip the bartender. You now know where to get better soda.

- You can order the drink of the day without the souviner glass, and it brings the price down

You may order breakfast room service the night before by filling out a card and placing it on the outside door knob of your stateroom and you may select the time you wish it to be delivered. They will call you a few minutes before delivering.

This makes an excellent wake up call for port days if you have an excursion booked! Make sure you order the LARGE carafes of tea or coffee as the small ones are more like single servings

Juice is free during breakfast only so if you like juice you can order or bring back some to use in your cabin during the day.

they might still have soft serve Deck 11, chocolate/vanilla and strawberry ice milk

If you like coffee - take a coffee(travel) mug with you
If you drink water - bring a water bottle - the water in the buffets etc is good and you can carry the water around with you.

- The night before you head ashore, write-in "ice" as an order on your breakfast room service card, if you're ordering the meal for your room.. And it's handy to have ice for water bottles at the ready

There is freshly squeezed orange juice for about $3.00. The regular juice is free. Make sure you get the right one!!!!

Things to know!
- Make the VERY FIRST pix on your digital camera a paper with your name, cabin number, and phone number written out neatly on a piece of paper. If you lose it (and an honest person finds it), he will be able to return it to you

- Wear a different color shirt each day that you are in a port so it will be easy to figure out which photos belong to which port when you get home.

- Start each day with a picture of the elevator floor....they mark the day on the floor...great way to keep all of those pictures organized

Keep a pile of small bills for tips for room service close by as those guys fly in and out and will not wait for you to find money to tip them.

- Notify your credit card company or bank if using a debit card that you are going to be using your card out of the country. It could save you some headaches.

- Towels, You really do have to return them. You will be charged $20 for every one you don’t return

- The helipad is a great spot to go out onto. It is beautiful at night and great for star gazing
To access the heli-pad: Deck 4 encircles 2/3 of Explorer's exterior, but most passengers never bothered climbing the short flight of stairs
Those stairs pop you up onto Deck 5, and if you amble forward another couple hundred feet you'll reach a short flight of steps up to the helipad and all the way to the very front of the ship (pic 2). No, Celine Dion will not serenade you while you're there.

The only way to the outside from deck 5 (Royal Promenade) is all the way forward through the lounge. Otherwise you have to go out on deck 4, walk forward, up a flight of stairs, walk forward on the bow, and up another short set of stairs to the helipad.

The peek-a -boo bridge is forward on deck 11.

My thoughts in my Infertility

I posted a while back about some unfair aspects of IF. See that post here. But a friend going through a really lousy time reminded me that I wrote the following, in response to a message board post, asking for commentary for National Infertility Awareness Week. I had forgotten these words and they are worth remembering. and T, I know you don't want 'I'm sorry's"  but know you are not far from all our thoughts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My full thoughts on going through IF......

 I wish someone had told me that IF could change  you, and it can be a change for the better. We all know it make us sad, frustrated, angry and bitter. I am still sometimes all of those things, but impossible to see, until many months after my son was born, is there there was some good, too. Once I got past amazement that he was ours, that IVF did work (the second time) that I didn't miscarry or any of the other million things that terrified me the entire 39weeks and 1 day I was pregnant, I was able to get a glimpse of another reality. IF made me a better person.
Imagine that? In a few ways, too.

I never thought I was that determined, until I tried to get pregnant, with a doctor, for 27 months.

I never thought I was that bold, until I had to demand good care.

I never knew I had such tenacity, until our 9th IUI

I never thought I was that sensitive, until I sobbed and sobbed when I found out I had blocked tubes on top of diabetes, PCOS, AMA and hypothyroid.

I never thought I was brave, until I had to give myself upwards of 100 shots, in spite of a fear of needles.

I never thought I was strong, until the day I realized IVF#1 did not work, and we had to do it again.

I never thought I was compassionate, until I started to care for a message board full of women like they were my best friends. 

I have been changed for the better and I like who I am,  very much. I am a strong, bold and compassionate person, and I am not sure I would have become this person, this Mother to Ethan, if I hadn't followed this path. If I had one wish, of course, i would make it that I didn't have to do it, but since we know that isn't how it works,  I appreciate what it taught me about myself.  If I had one wish now, I would wish none of you had to go through this, I would wish no one ever had to 'learn' from IF, because as lessons go, it sucks. It isn't fair.But for me, since going through it was a necessary evil, I learned things I am not sure I would ever have known.

 I pray that everyone will come out on the other side, with the family they dream of, in whatever way it takes. You are always in my thoughts. 

The Importance of Rear Facing!

If you aren't the mom of an infant or a toddler, I am sure you are thinking 'rear facing what?'
But most moms know that it used to be recommended by the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) to keep your child rear facing in his carseat until the age of 1, or until he reaches 20 lbs. But the rules are changing and the recommendation is now as long as possible! I am known in my circle of friends as the car seat nazi. I am really really verbal in my opinion about car seat safety. I hear some crazy reasons WHY moms want to turn their babies around at age 1.
1. He looks uncomfortable.
Hmmm. In Europe, kids commonly rear face at age 4! He or she is not uncomfortable, kids can fold their bodies into pretzels, for goodness sake! So she has to cross her legs, this is SO much more appealing than your child being permanently wheelchair bound, after breaking their spine in a car accident. Rear Facing is best!
2. She is happier seeing out.
Is she has never been facing front, she doesn't know it is an option!  My son likes to look out the side window. He is perfectly fine.
3. He cries in the car.
There is little reason to believe that he will stop crying facing front! Perhaps he just doesn't like the car?
and so on and more!

an e-friend wrote a great blog post about it!
Find it here

Consignment sales

I think basically, I am cheap. I don't like it when my money leaves me. Especially when we are trying to make ends meet with just my husband's salary while I am staying home with Ethan.  I used to turn my nose up at thrift and consignment stores, but once a week, E and I will get to all the area thrift stores (we go to 8 on a regular basis!)

When E was just a few weeks old, I discovered consignment sales, or mom2mom sales! OMG! It was like heaven for a cheapskate! entire church gyms filled with gently used baby stuff, cribs, clothes, toys, and more! I am now the queen of the consignment sale and almost NEVER buy Ethan anything retail! My mom and Mother in law are getting in to it to!

I also started consigning at this sale last year and I made a fair amount of money (over $200) which basically paid for Ethan's wardrobe that season!

The system is good, you price and tag your own items, and then they go into this HUGE room by catagories, or sizes. Sounds simple, right? Well, the process takes forever! You make you tags, complete with scannable barcodes, on the website. You hang all your items, enter this info, print the tags, fasten the tags, etc. Eventually you have to transport everything to the sale (TUESDAY!) I have been hanging and pricing since about 10pm. It is now 5 am. I am tired!

I think my items are priced well... hard to tell, but we (my mom, my mother in law, my sister, ethan and I)went to a Just Between Friends event yesterday and I think I priced as well as, if not better than others I saw. I still have 2 big bins of clothes to price, then I will go through E's shoes, toys and books. I sold a lot of the big baby stuff last time. I am considering next time selling Ethan's highchair and moving him permanently to the table with a booster, but not this time.

I am volunteering at this sale, for quite a few things, so I will get to shop well before the general public! (whoo hoo!) I am working Tuesday when the consigners drop off. I will be inspecting items being consigned, to be sure they are in good condition, and then on Friday evening, I will be dropping off dinner for other volunteers. I will also be shopping, of course!

But for now, I need to go to bed, I might get 3 hours of sleep before Ethan wakes up!

Happy Easter/Passover/Spring!

Good Friday Mass with a toddler

We got there and E was so excited... there were ducks on the church lawn! We walked inside and found a pew and Ethan started to cry.
E:  more ducks, Mommy, please" he whined. "Please, mommy. ducks please. ducks, Outside!!
Me: Not now, E, later. After church.
A few minutes passed, thankfully the choir was singing. But then they stopped.
E:  more singing, mommy. More singing. ABC song?  Dayenu? (dayenu is passover, wrong religion, kid!)
Me: we will sing again in a minute. Look, there is Jesus on the cross!
E:  Jesus! Look, Jesus on the cross!  (yelling). Jesus!
Me:  (sigh)
Meanwhile, mass is starting and we are standing.
E:  milk bottle, mommy. please
me: here is your sippy cup
E: (crying) no, milk bottle. BOTTLE!
me: Sorry, baby, mommy only brought your cup. Bottle later. Here, do you want an apple stick?
E: apple sick!! apple sick!
Time passes, oh so slowly. 
E: sing a sing song.
Me: (Whispering in his ear) sing, sing a song, sing out loud, sing out strong, etc
E: more.
repeat. 
Time passes, slower and slower
E: AMEN! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmen. Amen.
(congregation: Amen)
E: Jesus on the cross!
(note... this sounds very innocent, but he was saying Jesus on the cross in the tone one might say something like, I don't know.... Christ on a cracker!) 
E: Jesus!
Me: <----wondering if she can do this!
Time passes
E; More apple sicks. apple sicks. apple sauce? apple sauce (whining now)
Me: Here is more apple, we can have apple sauce for dinner.
Priest starts to head down aisle with crucifix. Congregation lines up to touch the wood of the cross and perhaps kiss the feet of the crucifix. 
I wait until the end and then take E by the hand and we go up. We happen to get Monsignor's line and he smiles when he sees E
E: Hi.
Msgr: Hi. Do you want to kiss Jesus's feet?
E: Jesus on the cross! feet. No feet (shaking his head, looking at Msgr like he has lost it)
Msgr (stifling a laugh) ok. (blessed E)
E: (walking back to our seat) Jesus feet!
Me: Slowly dying. 
Time passed. Communion. 
Me: Come on, let's go see Msgr.
E: ok, monster (I think he was trying to say monsignor, but it really sounded like monster)
We go up, I am holding E, I open my mouth for communion, expecting a host to be placed in my mouth by the priest. Instead, I get sticky apple fingers. Moving his hand, I get the host and put E down so I can make the sign of the cross. 
E: (Pointing to cross) Jesus! Ahhhhmen. AHMEN!!
Me: Hush, baby, quiet voice.
E: AMENAMENAMENAMEN
Me: Sigh.
(all the old ladies laugh and smile at him)
E: Amen!
Me: (I am beginning to think E isn't just Catholic and Jewish, he might have a bit of Southern Baptist or Born Again Christian in him.  I vow to myself, if he says Alleluia, I am outta there.)
E: Jesus feet, No.
Priest: Mass has ended, go in peace. 
Me: Alleluia!!!!

My kid is amazing.

I know, we all think that. That is ok... but my husband and I sometimes just spend our days listening and watching. We expected a smart kid, cause neither of us is lacking in brains (I am lacking in the common sense area, but that is a story for another day!) but wow, he is sharp!

yesterday he was sick... so he got so lie around on mommy all day. Today, he seemed fine, so business as usual. But I wasn't feeling particularly fantabulous today, so I was trying to rest. Ethan climbed up on my lap and handed me the remote.
"hakuna matata" he said, matter of factly
"No, E, it isn't time for the Lion King. Let's get a book"  I reasoned.
"hakuna matata, Mommy. remote. TV. more" he insisted.
"Ethan, we already watched Elmo today, no more TV"

So dejectedly he climbed down, whimpering (probably calling me some names under his breath, too!) and went about his busimess. After a bit, he comes back, rubbing his eyes, and with his lip stuck out, and laid his head on my lap. I stroked his hair and wondered if his belly was bothering him again. Gathering him up, I settled him under the blanket with me, and my little manipulator turned to me and with his head resting against my chest, looked up through his eyelashed and said with purpose,
"hakuna matata"

Well, what would you have done??

Later, I was rocking him in his room,. after an unsuccessful attempt to get him in for a nap... The phone rang, and T answered it in his office. Taking his thumb out of his mouth for a second, he said,
"Phone. Bubbie, Zaydie, Grammy. Phone."  and then promptly put his thumb back in. Apparenty only grandparents call us.
We could hear Daddy on the phone, and his one sided conversation went like this:
T: Hello?
T: Oh, he is fine today. He ------------
I don't know what he said after that, because I was listening to Ethan  say this:
"Bubbie, Fine today. Fine. Fine. No night-night. Light. Light. Fine Mommy"

Oh, and it was Bubbie and she did ask if he was ok! :)

I really have to upload some videos from the Flip, so that I can take more... he is so funny with his new dance! apparently, he gets his rhythm from his dad!

We had dinner at Pumpernicks and Ethan, as per usual was all about the pickles! We got him a burger, which he was eating fine, as long as he also had pickles!

(please excuse the lousy iphone picture... hard to take a picture with a moving target!)

He scarfed down my broccoli, too. Then we let him have some of his fries (why do kids meals always come with fries?) Suddenly pickles are good... but fries are better!

Shame we didn't get a picture of the chocolate pudding!

It shouldn't be like that...

So although I haven't mentioned it, I am infertile. It isn't a bad word to say, not nearly as bad a word as it is to be... Yes, I do have a child. He was an IVF baby, and we had to overcome not one, not two, not three but 4 diagnosis to get on the path that brought us to our perfect little one.  I have PCOS, I am diabetic, I have thyroid disease, and I am old. (I was almost 38 when E was conceived) Oh and my tubes are inexplicably blocked. So we know we are incredibly  blessed to have him, and someday i will write out his story... but not tonight!
Infertility is a weird thing. On one hand, we are lucky, we aren't dying, we aren't sick and there are treatments. But on the other hand, what do most people do after they get married? have a baby! and then another and so on.. Or they get to choose not to... Those 1 out of every 5 couples? we dont get to choose. We need to see doctors to get pregnant, stay pregnant and so on...
SO on to my point... Surprise pregnancy for other IF people. I should ALWAYS be happy for them! They have fought the long road I have also fought, and have been fortunate, as I have been, to come out on the other side.  But everyday I am somehow reminded that the only way I can fulfill my dream of another child is to go through another IVF... and when I see someone get a surprise pregnancy... it hurts. It hits somewhere so deep inside that I can't even access it, and I feel cheated. I do feel happy for them, but I feel so sad ans defeated and angry and resentful and guilty for me. And I hate it. IF doesn't define me, but it has changed me. I dont know if I have been changed for the better, but I have been changed for good. (yeah, I totally stole that line from a musical!) I want to be happy for everyone who gets pregnant, without feeling that painful fist to the gut. the room starts to close around me and I start to ache inside, and it gets sharper and sharper until it feels like I might break in half. I hate it and I don't want to feel it.
It shouldn't be like that.

by the way, this cartoon is cute, but totally wrong... 1st the doctor works out his  golf schedule with putting his patients on birth control, and then he aspirates the follicles, THEN is the transfer of the embryo, and a prayer for a little miracle!!

Ethan's Words!

My friend Kim posted the other day about words her son Charlie says and I love that idea, so I shamelessly have decided to steal it!
Photo taken by my friend Rachel of Brisham Photography.


































So words Ethan says:

Mommy
Daddy
Kenzie
Birdies
Dogs
horse
duck
goose
goat
seal
bear
tiger
lion
penguin
tickle
silly
funny
fine
sheep                                                     
cow
lamb
fish
giraffe
monkey
car
table
light
phone
iphone (yup!)
computer ('puter)
window
house
door
Grammy (Gammy)
Bubbie
Pop Pop
Zaydie
book
burger
jump
hat
shoe
socks
jacket
coat
clock
elmo
rosita
ernie
bert
zoe
Abby Cadaby (he says Abby Gabby)
remote
TV
coffee
beans
broccoli
corn
noodles
pad thai
chicken
bread
thank you
please
beans
soup
cookie
milk
bottle
cup
drink
help
stick
fix
more
read
uncle Danny
uncle Mark
Matan
Aunt Peri
Mimi
Uncle Jeff
Michael
Courtney
rock
sing
abc song
toes
feet
fingers
hands
nose
belly
arms
ears
eyes
teeth
brush
lips
open
money
stones
rock
driveway
frog
dinosaur
butterfly
caterpillar
cold
ladybug
spider
beetle
cat
up
down (although sometimes he says updown as one word!)
hai ya (like karate!)
apple
banana
berries
fruit
soda
cookie
cracker
dirty
mud
seat
hurt
fix
no
yes
why
couch
bag
diaper
pee
poop
buckle
cart
Jesus
God
prayers
passover (passerv)
seder
broken
bubbles
basketall (basketball)
outside
hippotomus
rhino
elephant
fish
turtle
frog
tadpole
eagle
touchdown
foul
glasses
cards
bookshelf
rocker
container
highchair
booster
help
stuck
easter bunny
truck
flowers
squirrel
overalls
diaper cream
cushion
comfy
sleepy
keppy (head in yiddish)
tractor
mower
bubble wand
walk
hold
carry
shake
dance
picture
camera
play
toys
animals
dirty
clean
shower
bath
wash
soap
crackers
jump
stew
earrings
pretty
gentle
hit
cry
cough
broken
office
room
stairs
steps
doorbell
ring

I might have some duplicates, too! :)


I know there are more and I will update them when I think of them! :)

Toddler puke smells just like grown up puke

Baby vomit and I are old friends. E had reflux and he puked 5-7 times a day. You get used to it. The smell permeates your clothes, your hair, and  oozes our of your PORES, but you still get used to it... So puke doesn't scare me.

However, it seems to really scare Ethan!

We were having a totally lovely day... Ethan took a nice nap, I was dressed and ready to go off to Costco for a $1.50 hot dog to share with my kid (hey, you! Stop judging! it is a really good hotdog!!) We went into the kitchen to grab a sippy of water, and Ethan burped. Loudly. And then vomit erupted from his mouth. He put his hands in his mouth as if to catch it, thereby creating a fountain effect, right onto my sweater. Yup.

Poor little guy. As he was throwing up, he was saying "help, Mommy. No more Mommy, help" which just broke my heart. I cleaned him up, gave him to his daddy, who was thankfully working from home, and went back to clean the floor (my sweater is not so much coming clean,  damn it!)

Yes, it is true. Baby puke, that smell I grew so accustomed to... is no longer my reality. We have real vomit here folks. And chunks of apple. Yum.

We ran to the store to get some apple juice, rolls for the pulled pork for dinner (I have to post that recipe, my Mom friend Pamela gave it to me and so easy and SO good! Not really a recipe as a collection of ingredients.. anyway...) and  couple other things, and Ethan was fine. We even stopped at Panera for soup and although I was wary, we ate it there and he did fine (maybe due to my silent prayers to the patron saint of  puke ... ok, there is NO patron saint of puke, but maybe there ought to be?)  He was great, no complaining, happy chattering, flirting with strangers, etc. We got home, though and suddenly my happy shopper was a miserable little one. We went upstairs to "daddy room" which is also known as T's office, and Ethan was crying and clinging to us, and just generally not happy. So I decided cuddling was in order. We sat down in my chair and reclined back and watched Tarzan.  (yes, I am aware the AAP suggests no TV until 2, but it was disney, surely there is a disney exception to the rule!) and he eventually went to sleep. we both did, in fact.  When He woke up, 2 hours and one agonizing backache for mommy later, he was so hot he was sweating, poor kid. Fever of 101.6, and some motrin.

He never ate dinner  ( for the love of god, stop judging me! i can feel you looking at me!!)  but he did have 2 saltines and a cup of watered down apple juice.  Let's hope tomorrow is better! :)

oh and I forgot... after E was in bed, I decided to eat dinner, that pulled pork I was so looking forward to was ready. I made a sandwich, took a few bites, and basically, with no warning, I totally lost my appetite. Uh oh! is it my turn next?? Oh please, I hope not!

I did it!!!

I was finally able to make a custom template for my business website! :)
I use wordpress and although MOST of wordpress is great, themes and templates were killing me!

It still needs work, although I love the patterns in my logo, they might be a bit too busy for the layout... but now that I get how to do it, I can change it as much as I like to get it to be perfect!

Want to see? Robin's Flight Designs

This is so random...

but Blogger is SO easy, and wordpress is hard! :)
whiney? for sure. but for the last 2 hours, I have been trying to change my business blog background and header to match my logo... and it is making me insane!!!

I appreciate the ease in changing blogger oh so much!
But I am determinded to fix my wordpress blog, too.

I was talking to my friend Christi today and it made me think, Oh come on, you are a smart women.. you can figure this out.

Yeah. and sometimes I have to look at my fingers to see which one makes an L before committing to my left or right hand! :)
Loser!

I love You So...

There have been 2 or 3 posts swirling in my head these last few days... but I have been busy with other things, or just haven't been able to find the right words.
I want to talk about these things:

My diabetes and quest to get it under control
Our path to IVF and our son
Our upcoming IVF
and I am determined to get a meal plan committed to this blog, so that I might get a bit organized!

So since it is 3:42 am and I am just staying awake because I had a low blood sugar event and I need to make sure it is ok before I go back to bed... I will talk about none of those things...

Instead... I want to share a  perfect moment that I shared with my son at 2 am...

T and I had gone to bed, and I was watching an episode of Chopped, and T was reading. He had just turned off the light, kissed me goodnight, and started his amazingly fast descent into dreamland when Ethan started to cry. Not just his normal middle of the night whimper in his sleep, but an all out 'Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY!" cry. I waited a second to be sure he wasn't actually still asleep, but when his cries intensified and he added in "doors, Mommy, doors. Help help, Mommy" which basically means,
'open the door and come see what is up'  I knew I had to go in.

When I opened his door, I could just barely see him from the light of his baby crack machine, and his arms were reaching out to me, and as my eyes adjusted to the dark, I could see his little eyes were filled with tears. I picked him up and he snuggled into me, and said, "Mommy". Not a question anymore, but a statement. I carried him to the chair and we rocked for a bit. He curled his fingers into my hair and I rubbed his back. After a bit, I felt him relax and I carried him back to his bed. Almost immediately, his little body stiffened and he started to cry again. "no, Mommy, no. rock Mommy, rock mommy!" he cried, while pointing to his chair. Since I knew T was asleep and Ethan wasn't going to go right back to bed (I had expected to be back by the next commercial of Chopped!) I took him downstairs.

We walked into the library (it is really a family room, but when we moved in, we put all our bookshelves into this room and decided it was for reading! However the day T came home with a flat screen for the wall was the day it ceased being my library and became the family room! ) and settled into the chair with a snuggie. Yes, a snuggie. Hey, it works! :)  I turned the TV on with the sound turned low. E settled into me, but somehow grabbed a hold of the remote, handed it to me and said hopefully, "Elmo? Blocks? Book, Mommy?"

After getting control of the remote once more, I encouraged him to lie his head down and close his eyes. We started to sing. Well, I started to sing and he asked for more. We sang Hush Little Baby and then Part of Your World, Three Little Birds and a bit of Williams Doll when I stopped and tucked the blanket around him more snugly. E was lying on his side, curling into me, and  I put my hand over his belly, to support him. With his thumb in his mouth, he tilted his head up,  locked eyes with me, smiled and took his other hand, and placed his palm over the back of my hand and curled his fingers over my little finger and squeezed. I could feel the warmth of his body, the total and complete trust and love he had for me, and I for him, and I felt that moment of perfection. And savored it.

I love this child more than I ever dreamed I was capable.

We read this book often. Ethan seems to love it as much as I do...

I love you So

"I love you."
"How much?"
"So much."

"How much is 'so'?"

"WAY, WAY More than you know..."

"I love you as BRILLIANT as each sparkling star,

and as WAY OUT as space, I love you THAT far.

I love you as GIGANTIC as a great lion's roar,

and as DEEP as the ocean, I love you MUCH more.

"That IS a lot," you say, "but WHERE did love come from to be in your heart?"

YOU put it there, really, when you and I met. And I knew for certain WITHOUT you I'd fret.

From MY HEAD to my TOES, I was feeling inside, a devotion for you SO DEEP and SO WIDE.

And now, it's ENORMOUS and wonderfully real, and hard to describe HOW MUCH I FEEL.

I love you as AWESOME as a thunder sky, and as SOARING as mountains, I love you THAT high.

I love you as SILLY as a puppy dog's kiss, and as QUIET as midnight.
I love you like THIS.

I love you being NICE,

and when you're CRANKY too.

I love you without liking the NAUGHTY things you do.

My 'love you' DOESN'T change like the temper of the days.

It's a CERTAIN kind of thing in many DIFFERENT ways.

I love you NEAR or FAR.

I love you HIGH or LOW.

My love is there with you WHEREVER you may go.

I CAN'T Imagine life before YOU came along....

me there singing senseless, 

no MEANING to my song.

Call it MEANT TO BE or simply blessed fate, 

you with my heart with LOVE...and for THAT I celebrate.

"I love you."

"How much?"

"SO much."

"How much is 'so'?

"WAY, WAY MORE than you know..."

 

Interestingly, this book is routed in scripture:

And I pray that you...may have power...to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-21

 

Of course, this makes total sense to me, as every time I look into my little boys eyes, I see the Grace of God. 

And yet the church feels IVF is wrong. How can anyone tell me that this child, this amazing little perfect creature was NOT somehow meant to be? 

And in another odd twist, that phrase, Meant to be, has come up before in our lives. T is Jewish, I am Catholic and that is most certainly a story for another day... Anyway, a couple of years ago, Our friends D and K brought us a little handpainted plaque, painted with the phrase Bashert. 

Bashert, it turns out, is translated as Meant To Be, in yiddish.

Clearly this child, this perfect moment, this colliding of faiths was Meant to Be. Bashert. Undeniably.

We were THOSE parents tonight,,,

A family friend was in the hospital and we decided to take the 40 minute drive to get there...I pack up the diaper bag, toss in a bag of goldfish for a snack for Ethan, since it is close to dinner time. We get on the road, and drive for a bit and hit the first highway... and traffic stopsdead. Traffic with a toddler is it's own circle of hell, you know! Then we hit the next highway. trafficstopsdead, Sigh. Forty minute drive? Not so much. We finally get to the local roads, and although driving through mainline Philadelphia, especially near St Joes and Villanova is generally a nice trip with really lovely scenery.... but remember that part of traffic with a toddler?  Yeah. We did determine that Michelle O.bama was in town and that might account for some of the traffic..(and oddly enough, I was not informed of this trip.. I generally get emails!)   but eventually we got to the hospital. It was nearly 7. (Our kid hadn't eaten since lunch at 2)

Ethan was happy to see Uncle Irv, and Uncle Irv looked fairly well, for a guy who just had someone messing around inside his chest, popping in a pacemaker... We visited for a bit, and Ethan's Bubbie and Zaydie were there, and they both walked the halls with Ethan leading them by the hand, countless times. E would not say Uncle Irv, although he said it in the car, but I think Uncle Irv was still happy to see him.  Ethan asked for a snack, so T got him a snack cup full of goldfish and he wandered around the room chattering with his fish.... Eventually, T and I remember that the care of a child does require some actual feeding of non junk food, and opted to leave. It was close to 8:30.

We get in the car, seeking a diner. I mean, we are on City Line Avenue, in Philadelphia, there has got to be a diner, right? So we drive down the road, with E still chattering... and no diner. We do see a Wendy's and a MacDonald's, then a KFC, but no diner. Then we saw and IHop. Pancakes?? You can't go wrong with pancakes. But when we pulled up to the IHop, there was 1 lone car in the lots, and it seemed there was NO ONE in the building, although the sign said open. I said, "um, no, that is weird!" and we pressed on... Just before we got to the highway ramp, we spied a sign for a chiptotle, Pei Wei and something else. A California Pizza Kitchen. It is 9 pm, but the way. Our 19 month old hasn't eaten dinner and it is 9 pm.

We  go into the CPK, and there is a wait. less than 10 minutes she says... ok 10 minutes for you and I is 10 minutes. 10 minutes for E is 2x the length of Elmo's World! that is ETERNITY! So we decide to try Pei Wei. Having never been there before, we didn't know it was cafeteria style. But they could get us right in, so we ordered, and sat down. Food was excellent, we got crab rangoon, spring rolls, pad thai with Shrimp (me) and caramel chicken (T).   Service was also excellent... Ethan loved the pad thai, he ate an entire spring roll and liked Daddy's chicken, too! and his fortune cookie was superb!

So it occurs to me that had I noticed a  couple with a toddler eating dinner at Pei Wei at nearly 10 pm, I would have gone all Judgy McJudgerson on them... so I hang my head in shame... We were THOSE parents.

A fresh start

I deleted all the posts that were here before. I just decided that I was going to start fresh. At Forty. How the hell did that happen?

So things I hope to accomplish at 40
1. have another baby
2. have a successful IVF cycle that results in number 1
3. Manage my diabetes well enough to do the cycle that results in the above.
4. Work with the new doctor (so far, I like her!) to manage by diabetes.

It's a little backwards, my list.
Yeah, I do that a lot.

so I think this new and improved (hahahaha) blog will be about everything in my life, not just fertility, or the lack there of.. because I don't want my IF to define me. My bitter defines me enough, I think! But my bitter, I wear it like an expensive accessory... I wear it well, I earned the right to wear it, and I take it off after feeling the comfort of it's presence for a night. It's not good to wear these accessories all the time, mind you. Just now and then.
I think I will start talking more about diabetes, since lately that is all I think about, besides IVF#3. (I will rewrite my infertility story one of the these days and recount IVF#1 and IVF#2) And I think I will share some recipes, meal planning and more.
For sure, I will talk more about Ethan, because he is our world. Every parent sees their child as a miracle, I am sure. But I also see the grace of God in his eyes. And that makes every day worth it.

Welcome to my forties!