My kid is amazing.

I know, we all think that. That is ok... but my husband and I sometimes just spend our days listening and watching. We expected a smart kid, cause neither of us is lacking in brains (I am lacking in the common sense area, but that is a story for another day!) but wow, he is sharp!

yesterday he was sick... so he got so lie around on mommy all day. Today, he seemed fine, so business as usual. But I wasn't feeling particularly fantabulous today, so I was trying to rest. Ethan climbed up on my lap and handed me the remote.
"hakuna matata" he said, matter of factly
"No, E, it isn't time for the Lion King. Let's get a book"  I reasoned.
"hakuna matata, Mommy. remote. TV. more" he insisted.
"Ethan, we already watched Elmo today, no more TV"

So dejectedly he climbed down, whimpering (probably calling me some names under his breath, too!) and went about his busimess. After a bit, he comes back, rubbing his eyes, and with his lip stuck out, and laid his head on my lap. I stroked his hair and wondered if his belly was bothering him again. Gathering him up, I settled him under the blanket with me, and my little manipulator turned to me and with his head resting against my chest, looked up through his eyelashed and said with purpose,
"hakuna matata"

Well, what would you have done??

Later, I was rocking him in his room,. after an unsuccessful attempt to get him in for a nap... The phone rang, and T answered it in his office. Taking his thumb out of his mouth for a second, he said,
"Phone. Bubbie, Zaydie, Grammy. Phone."  and then promptly put his thumb back in. Apparenty only grandparents call us.
We could hear Daddy on the phone, and his one sided conversation went like this:
T: Hello?
T: Oh, he is fine today. He ------------
I don't know what he said after that, because I was listening to Ethan  say this:
"Bubbie, Fine today. Fine. Fine. No night-night. Light. Light. Fine Mommy"

Oh, and it was Bubbie and she did ask if he was ok! :)

I really have to upload some videos from the Flip, so that I can take more... he is so funny with his new dance! apparently, he gets his rhythm from his dad!

We had dinner at Pumpernicks and Ethan, as per usual was all about the pickles! We got him a burger, which he was eating fine, as long as he also had pickles!

(please excuse the lousy iphone picture... hard to take a picture with a moving target!)

He scarfed down my broccoli, too. Then we let him have some of his fries (why do kids meals always come with fries?) Suddenly pickles are good... but fries are better!

Shame we didn't get a picture of the chocolate pudding!

It shouldn't be like that...

So although I haven't mentioned it, I am infertile. It isn't a bad word to say, not nearly as bad a word as it is to be... Yes, I do have a child. He was an IVF baby, and we had to overcome not one, not two, not three but 4 diagnosis to get on the path that brought us to our perfect little one.  I have PCOS, I am diabetic, I have thyroid disease, and I am old. (I was almost 38 when E was conceived) Oh and my tubes are inexplicably blocked. So we know we are incredibly  blessed to have him, and someday i will write out his story... but not tonight!
Infertility is a weird thing. On one hand, we are lucky, we aren't dying, we aren't sick and there are treatments. But on the other hand, what do most people do after they get married? have a baby! and then another and so on.. Or they get to choose not to... Those 1 out of every 5 couples? we dont get to choose. We need to see doctors to get pregnant, stay pregnant and so on...
SO on to my point... Surprise pregnancy for other IF people. I should ALWAYS be happy for them! They have fought the long road I have also fought, and have been fortunate, as I have been, to come out on the other side.  But everyday I am somehow reminded that the only way I can fulfill my dream of another child is to go through another IVF... and when I see someone get a surprise pregnancy... it hurts. It hits somewhere so deep inside that I can't even access it, and I feel cheated. I do feel happy for them, but I feel so sad ans defeated and angry and resentful and guilty for me. And I hate it. IF doesn't define me, but it has changed me. I dont know if I have been changed for the better, but I have been changed for good. (yeah, I totally stole that line from a musical!) I want to be happy for everyone who gets pregnant, without feeling that painful fist to the gut. the room starts to close around me and I start to ache inside, and it gets sharper and sharper until it feels like I might break in half. I hate it and I don't want to feel it.
It shouldn't be like that.

by the way, this cartoon is cute, but totally wrong... 1st the doctor works out his  golf schedule with putting his patients on birth control, and then he aspirates the follicles, THEN is the transfer of the embryo, and a prayer for a little miracle!!

Ethan's Words!

My friend Kim posted the other day about words her son Charlie says and I love that idea, so I shamelessly have decided to steal it!
Photo taken by my friend Rachel of Brisham Photography.


































So words Ethan says:

Mommy
Daddy
Kenzie
Birdies
Dogs
horse
duck
goose
goat
seal
bear
tiger
lion
penguin
tickle
silly
funny
fine
sheep                                                     
cow
lamb
fish
giraffe
monkey
car
table
light
phone
iphone (yup!)
computer ('puter)
window
house
door
Grammy (Gammy)
Bubbie
Pop Pop
Zaydie
book
burger
jump
hat
shoe
socks
jacket
coat
clock
elmo
rosita
ernie
bert
zoe
Abby Cadaby (he says Abby Gabby)
remote
TV
coffee
beans
broccoli
corn
noodles
pad thai
chicken
bread
thank you
please
beans
soup
cookie
milk
bottle
cup
drink
help
stick
fix
more
read
uncle Danny
uncle Mark
Matan
Aunt Peri
Mimi
Uncle Jeff
Michael
Courtney
rock
sing
abc song
toes
feet
fingers
hands
nose
belly
arms
ears
eyes
teeth
brush
lips
open
money
stones
rock
driveway
frog
dinosaur
butterfly
caterpillar
cold
ladybug
spider
beetle
cat
up
down (although sometimes he says updown as one word!)
hai ya (like karate!)
apple
banana
berries
fruit
soda
cookie
cracker
dirty
mud
seat
hurt
fix
no
yes
why
couch
bag
diaper
pee
poop
buckle
cart
Jesus
God
prayers
passover (passerv)
seder
broken
bubbles
basketall (basketball)
outside
hippotomus
rhino
elephant
fish
turtle
frog
tadpole
eagle
touchdown
foul
glasses
cards
bookshelf
rocker
container
highchair
booster
help
stuck
easter bunny
truck
flowers
squirrel
overalls
diaper cream
cushion
comfy
sleepy
keppy (head in yiddish)
tractor
mower
bubble wand
walk
hold
carry
shake
dance
picture
camera
play
toys
animals
dirty
clean
shower
bath
wash
soap
crackers
jump
stew
earrings
pretty
gentle
hit
cry
cough
broken
office
room
stairs
steps
doorbell
ring

I might have some duplicates, too! :)


I know there are more and I will update them when I think of them! :)

Toddler puke smells just like grown up puke

Baby vomit and I are old friends. E had reflux and he puked 5-7 times a day. You get used to it. The smell permeates your clothes, your hair, and  oozes our of your PORES, but you still get used to it... So puke doesn't scare me.

However, it seems to really scare Ethan!

We were having a totally lovely day... Ethan took a nice nap, I was dressed and ready to go off to Costco for a $1.50 hot dog to share with my kid (hey, you! Stop judging! it is a really good hotdog!!) We went into the kitchen to grab a sippy of water, and Ethan burped. Loudly. And then vomit erupted from his mouth. He put his hands in his mouth as if to catch it, thereby creating a fountain effect, right onto my sweater. Yup.

Poor little guy. As he was throwing up, he was saying "help, Mommy. No more Mommy, help" which just broke my heart. I cleaned him up, gave him to his daddy, who was thankfully working from home, and went back to clean the floor (my sweater is not so much coming clean,  damn it!)

Yes, it is true. Baby puke, that smell I grew so accustomed to... is no longer my reality. We have real vomit here folks. And chunks of apple. Yum.

We ran to the store to get some apple juice, rolls for the pulled pork for dinner (I have to post that recipe, my Mom friend Pamela gave it to me and so easy and SO good! Not really a recipe as a collection of ingredients.. anyway...) and  couple other things, and Ethan was fine. We even stopped at Panera for soup and although I was wary, we ate it there and he did fine (maybe due to my silent prayers to the patron saint of  puke ... ok, there is NO patron saint of puke, but maybe there ought to be?)  He was great, no complaining, happy chattering, flirting with strangers, etc. We got home, though and suddenly my happy shopper was a miserable little one. We went upstairs to "daddy room" which is also known as T's office, and Ethan was crying and clinging to us, and just generally not happy. So I decided cuddling was in order. We sat down in my chair and reclined back and watched Tarzan.  (yes, I am aware the AAP suggests no TV until 2, but it was disney, surely there is a disney exception to the rule!) and he eventually went to sleep. we both did, in fact.  When He woke up, 2 hours and one agonizing backache for mommy later, he was so hot he was sweating, poor kid. Fever of 101.6, and some motrin.

He never ate dinner  ( for the love of god, stop judging me! i can feel you looking at me!!)  but he did have 2 saltines and a cup of watered down apple juice.  Let's hope tomorrow is better! :)

oh and I forgot... after E was in bed, I decided to eat dinner, that pulled pork I was so looking forward to was ready. I made a sandwich, took a few bites, and basically, with no warning, I totally lost my appetite. Uh oh! is it my turn next?? Oh please, I hope not!

I did it!!!

I was finally able to make a custom template for my business website! :)
I use wordpress and although MOST of wordpress is great, themes and templates were killing me!

It still needs work, although I love the patterns in my logo, they might be a bit too busy for the layout... but now that I get how to do it, I can change it as much as I like to get it to be perfect!

Want to see? Robin's Flight Designs

This is so random...

but Blogger is SO easy, and wordpress is hard! :)
whiney? for sure. but for the last 2 hours, I have been trying to change my business blog background and header to match my logo... and it is making me insane!!!

I appreciate the ease in changing blogger oh so much!
But I am determinded to fix my wordpress blog, too.

I was talking to my friend Christi today and it made me think, Oh come on, you are a smart women.. you can figure this out.

Yeah. and sometimes I have to look at my fingers to see which one makes an L before committing to my left or right hand! :)
Loser!

I love You So...

There have been 2 or 3 posts swirling in my head these last few days... but I have been busy with other things, or just haven't been able to find the right words.
I want to talk about these things:

My diabetes and quest to get it under control
Our path to IVF and our son
Our upcoming IVF
and I am determined to get a meal plan committed to this blog, so that I might get a bit organized!

So since it is 3:42 am and I am just staying awake because I had a low blood sugar event and I need to make sure it is ok before I go back to bed... I will talk about none of those things...

Instead... I want to share a  perfect moment that I shared with my son at 2 am...

T and I had gone to bed, and I was watching an episode of Chopped, and T was reading. He had just turned off the light, kissed me goodnight, and started his amazingly fast descent into dreamland when Ethan started to cry. Not just his normal middle of the night whimper in his sleep, but an all out 'Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY!" cry. I waited a second to be sure he wasn't actually still asleep, but when his cries intensified and he added in "doors, Mommy, doors. Help help, Mommy" which basically means,
'open the door and come see what is up'  I knew I had to go in.

When I opened his door, I could just barely see him from the light of his baby crack machine, and his arms were reaching out to me, and as my eyes adjusted to the dark, I could see his little eyes were filled with tears. I picked him up and he snuggled into me, and said, "Mommy". Not a question anymore, but a statement. I carried him to the chair and we rocked for a bit. He curled his fingers into my hair and I rubbed his back. After a bit, I felt him relax and I carried him back to his bed. Almost immediately, his little body stiffened and he started to cry again. "no, Mommy, no. rock Mommy, rock mommy!" he cried, while pointing to his chair. Since I knew T was asleep and Ethan wasn't going to go right back to bed (I had expected to be back by the next commercial of Chopped!) I took him downstairs.

We walked into the library (it is really a family room, but when we moved in, we put all our bookshelves into this room and decided it was for reading! However the day T came home with a flat screen for the wall was the day it ceased being my library and became the family room! ) and settled into the chair with a snuggie. Yes, a snuggie. Hey, it works! :)  I turned the TV on with the sound turned low. E settled into me, but somehow grabbed a hold of the remote, handed it to me and said hopefully, "Elmo? Blocks? Book, Mommy?"

After getting control of the remote once more, I encouraged him to lie his head down and close his eyes. We started to sing. Well, I started to sing and he asked for more. We sang Hush Little Baby and then Part of Your World, Three Little Birds and a bit of Williams Doll when I stopped and tucked the blanket around him more snugly. E was lying on his side, curling into me, and  I put my hand over his belly, to support him. With his thumb in his mouth, he tilted his head up,  locked eyes with me, smiled and took his other hand, and placed his palm over the back of my hand and curled his fingers over my little finger and squeezed. I could feel the warmth of his body, the total and complete trust and love he had for me, and I for him, and I felt that moment of perfection. And savored it.

I love this child more than I ever dreamed I was capable.

We read this book often. Ethan seems to love it as much as I do...

I love you So

"I love you."
"How much?"
"So much."

"How much is 'so'?"

"WAY, WAY More than you know..."

"I love you as BRILLIANT as each sparkling star,

and as WAY OUT as space, I love you THAT far.

I love you as GIGANTIC as a great lion's roar,

and as DEEP as the ocean, I love you MUCH more.

"That IS a lot," you say, "but WHERE did love come from to be in your heart?"

YOU put it there, really, when you and I met. And I knew for certain WITHOUT you I'd fret.

From MY HEAD to my TOES, I was feeling inside, a devotion for you SO DEEP and SO WIDE.

And now, it's ENORMOUS and wonderfully real, and hard to describe HOW MUCH I FEEL.

I love you as AWESOME as a thunder sky, and as SOARING as mountains, I love you THAT high.

I love you as SILLY as a puppy dog's kiss, and as QUIET as midnight.
I love you like THIS.

I love you being NICE,

and when you're CRANKY too.

I love you without liking the NAUGHTY things you do.

My 'love you' DOESN'T change like the temper of the days.

It's a CERTAIN kind of thing in many DIFFERENT ways.

I love you NEAR or FAR.

I love you HIGH or LOW.

My love is there with you WHEREVER you may go.

I CAN'T Imagine life before YOU came along....

me there singing senseless, 

no MEANING to my song.

Call it MEANT TO BE or simply blessed fate, 

you with my heart with LOVE...and for THAT I celebrate.

"I love you."

"How much?"

"SO much."

"How much is 'so'?

"WAY, WAY MORE than you know..."

 

Interestingly, this book is routed in scripture:

And I pray that you...may have power...to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-21

 

Of course, this makes total sense to me, as every time I look into my little boys eyes, I see the Grace of God. 

And yet the church feels IVF is wrong. How can anyone tell me that this child, this amazing little perfect creature was NOT somehow meant to be? 

And in another odd twist, that phrase, Meant to be, has come up before in our lives. T is Jewish, I am Catholic and that is most certainly a story for another day... Anyway, a couple of years ago, Our friends D and K brought us a little handpainted plaque, painted with the phrase Bashert. 

Bashert, it turns out, is translated as Meant To Be, in yiddish.

Clearly this child, this perfect moment, this colliding of faiths was Meant to Be. Bashert. Undeniably.