It shouldn't be like that...

So although I haven't mentioned it, I am infertile. It isn't a bad word to say, not nearly as bad a word as it is to be... Yes, I do have a child. He was an IVF baby, and we had to overcome not one, not two, not three but 4 diagnosis to get on the path that brought us to our perfect little one.  I have PCOS, I am diabetic, I have thyroid disease, and I am old. (I was almost 38 when E was conceived) Oh and my tubes are inexplicably blocked. So we know we are incredibly  blessed to have him, and someday i will write out his story... but not tonight!
Infertility is a weird thing. On one hand, we are lucky, we aren't dying, we aren't sick and there are treatments. But on the other hand, what do most people do after they get married? have a baby! and then another and so on.. Or they get to choose not to... Those 1 out of every 5 couples? we dont get to choose. We need to see doctors to get pregnant, stay pregnant and so on...
SO on to my point... Surprise pregnancy for other IF people. I should ALWAYS be happy for them! They have fought the long road I have also fought, and have been fortunate, as I have been, to come out on the other side.  But everyday I am somehow reminded that the only way I can fulfill my dream of another child is to go through another IVF... and when I see someone get a surprise pregnancy... it hurts. It hits somewhere so deep inside that I can't even access it, and I feel cheated. I do feel happy for them, but I feel so sad ans defeated and angry and resentful and guilty for me. And I hate it. IF doesn't define me, but it has changed me. I dont know if I have been changed for the better, but I have been changed for good. (yeah, I totally stole that line from a musical!) I want to be happy for everyone who gets pregnant, without feeling that painful fist to the gut. the room starts to close around me and I start to ache inside, and it gets sharper and sharper until it feels like I might break in half. I hate it and I don't want to feel it.
It shouldn't be like that.

by the way, this cartoon is cute, but totally wrong... 1st the doctor works out his  golf schedule with putting his patients on birth control, and then he aspirates the follicles, THEN is the transfer of the embryo, and a prayer for a little miracle!!