I love You So...

There have been 2 or 3 posts swirling in my head these last few days... but I have been busy with other things, or just haven't been able to find the right words.
I want to talk about these things:

My diabetes and quest to get it under control
Our path to IVF and our son
Our upcoming IVF
and I am determined to get a meal plan committed to this blog, so that I might get a bit organized!

So since it is 3:42 am and I am just staying awake because I had a low blood sugar event and I need to make sure it is ok before I go back to bed... I will talk about none of those things...

Instead... I want to share a  perfect moment that I shared with my son at 2 am...

T and I had gone to bed, and I was watching an episode of Chopped, and T was reading. He had just turned off the light, kissed me goodnight, and started his amazingly fast descent into dreamland when Ethan started to cry. Not just his normal middle of the night whimper in his sleep, but an all out 'Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY!" cry. I waited a second to be sure he wasn't actually still asleep, but when his cries intensified and he added in "doors, Mommy, doors. Help help, Mommy" which basically means,
'open the door and come see what is up'  I knew I had to go in.

When I opened his door, I could just barely see him from the light of his baby crack machine, and his arms were reaching out to me, and as my eyes adjusted to the dark, I could see his little eyes were filled with tears. I picked him up and he snuggled into me, and said, "Mommy". Not a question anymore, but a statement. I carried him to the chair and we rocked for a bit. He curled his fingers into my hair and I rubbed his back. After a bit, I felt him relax and I carried him back to his bed. Almost immediately, his little body stiffened and he started to cry again. "no, Mommy, no. rock Mommy, rock mommy!" he cried, while pointing to his chair. Since I knew T was asleep and Ethan wasn't going to go right back to bed (I had expected to be back by the next commercial of Chopped!) I took him downstairs.

We walked into the library (it is really a family room, but when we moved in, we put all our bookshelves into this room and decided it was for reading! However the day T came home with a flat screen for the wall was the day it ceased being my library and became the family room! ) and settled into the chair with a snuggie. Yes, a snuggie. Hey, it works! :)  I turned the TV on with the sound turned low. E settled into me, but somehow grabbed a hold of the remote, handed it to me and said hopefully, "Elmo? Blocks? Book, Mommy?"

After getting control of the remote once more, I encouraged him to lie his head down and close his eyes. We started to sing. Well, I started to sing and he asked for more. We sang Hush Little Baby and then Part of Your World, Three Little Birds and a bit of Williams Doll when I stopped and tucked the blanket around him more snugly. E was lying on his side, curling into me, and  I put my hand over his belly, to support him. With his thumb in his mouth, he tilted his head up,  locked eyes with me, smiled and took his other hand, and placed his palm over the back of my hand and curled his fingers over my little finger and squeezed. I could feel the warmth of his body, the total and complete trust and love he had for me, and I for him, and I felt that moment of perfection. And savored it.

I love this child more than I ever dreamed I was capable.

We read this book often. Ethan seems to love it as much as I do...

I love you So

"I love you."
"How much?"
"So much."

"How much is 'so'?"

"WAY, WAY More than you know..."

"I love you as BRILLIANT as each sparkling star,

and as WAY OUT as space, I love you THAT far.

I love you as GIGANTIC as a great lion's roar,

and as DEEP as the ocean, I love you MUCH more.

"That IS a lot," you say, "but WHERE did love come from to be in your heart?"

YOU put it there, really, when you and I met. And I knew for certain WITHOUT you I'd fret.

From MY HEAD to my TOES, I was feeling inside, a devotion for you SO DEEP and SO WIDE.

And now, it's ENORMOUS and wonderfully real, and hard to describe HOW MUCH I FEEL.

I love you as AWESOME as a thunder sky, and as SOARING as mountains, I love you THAT high.

I love you as SILLY as a puppy dog's kiss, and as QUIET as midnight.
I love you like THIS.

I love you being NICE,

and when you're CRANKY too.

I love you without liking the NAUGHTY things you do.

My 'love you' DOESN'T change like the temper of the days.

It's a CERTAIN kind of thing in many DIFFERENT ways.

I love you NEAR or FAR.

I love you HIGH or LOW.

My love is there with you WHEREVER you may go.

I CAN'T Imagine life before YOU came along....

me there singing senseless, 

no MEANING to my song.

Call it MEANT TO BE or simply blessed fate, 

you with my heart with LOVE...and for THAT I celebrate.

"I love you."

"How much?"

"SO much."

"How much is 'so'?

"WAY, WAY MORE than you know..."

 

Interestingly, this book is routed in scripture:

And I pray that you...may have power...to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-21

 

Of course, this makes total sense to me, as every time I look into my little boys eyes, I see the Grace of God. 

And yet the church feels IVF is wrong. How can anyone tell me that this child, this amazing little perfect creature was NOT somehow meant to be? 

And in another odd twist, that phrase, Meant to be, has come up before in our lives. T is Jewish, I am Catholic and that is most certainly a story for another day... Anyway, a couple of years ago, Our friends D and K brought us a little handpainted plaque, painted with the phrase Bashert. 

Bashert, it turns out, is translated as Meant To Be, in yiddish.

Clearly this child, this perfect moment, this colliding of faiths was Meant to Be. Bashert. Undeniably.