My thoughts in my Infertility

I posted a while back about some unfair aspects of IF. See that post here. But a friend going through a really lousy time reminded me that I wrote the following, in response to a message board post, asking for commentary for National Infertility Awareness Week. I had forgotten these words and they are worth remembering. and T, I know you don't want 'I'm sorry's"  but know you are not far from all our thoughts.

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My full thoughts on going through IF......

 I wish someone had told me that IF could change  you, and it can be a change for the better. We all know it make us sad, frustrated, angry and bitter. I am still sometimes all of those things, but impossible to see, until many months after my son was born, is there there was some good, too. Once I got past amazement that he was ours, that IVF did work (the second time) that I didn't miscarry or any of the other million things that terrified me the entire 39weeks and 1 day I was pregnant, I was able to get a glimpse of another reality. IF made me a better person.
Imagine that? In a few ways, too.

I never thought I was that determined, until I tried to get pregnant, with a doctor, for 27 months.

I never thought I was that bold, until I had to demand good care.

I never knew I had such tenacity, until our 9th IUI

I never thought I was that sensitive, until I sobbed and sobbed when I found out I had blocked tubes on top of diabetes, PCOS, AMA and hypothyroid.

I never thought I was brave, until I had to give myself upwards of 100 shots, in spite of a fear of needles.

I never thought I was strong, until the day I realized IVF#1 did not work, and we had to do it again.

I never thought I was compassionate, until I started to care for a message board full of women like they were my best friends. 

I have been changed for the better and I like who I am,  very much. I am a strong, bold and compassionate person, and I am not sure I would have become this person, this Mother to Ethan, if I hadn't followed this path. If I had one wish, of course, i would make it that I didn't have to do it, but since we know that isn't how it works,  I appreciate what it taught me about myself.  If I had one wish now, I would wish none of you had to go through this, I would wish no one ever had to 'learn' from IF, because as lessons go, it sucks. It isn't fair.But for me, since going through it was a necessary evil, I learned things I am not sure I would ever have known.

 I pray that everyone will come out on the other side, with the family they dream of, in whatever way it takes. You are always in my thoughts. 

The Importance of Rear Facing!

If you aren't the mom of an infant or a toddler, I am sure you are thinking 'rear facing what?'
But most moms know that it used to be recommended by the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) to keep your child rear facing in his carseat until the age of 1, or until he reaches 20 lbs. But the rules are changing and the recommendation is now as long as possible! I am known in my circle of friends as the car seat nazi. I am really really verbal in my opinion about car seat safety. I hear some crazy reasons WHY moms want to turn their babies around at age 1.
1. He looks uncomfortable.
Hmmm. In Europe, kids commonly rear face at age 4! He or she is not uncomfortable, kids can fold their bodies into pretzels, for goodness sake! So she has to cross her legs, this is SO much more appealing than your child being permanently wheelchair bound, after breaking their spine in a car accident. Rear Facing is best!
2. She is happier seeing out.
Is she has never been facing front, she doesn't know it is an option!  My son likes to look out the side window. He is perfectly fine.
3. He cries in the car.
There is little reason to believe that he will stop crying facing front! Perhaps he just doesn't like the car?
and so on and more!

an e-friend wrote a great blog post about it!
Find it here

Consignment sales

I think basically, I am cheap. I don't like it when my money leaves me. Especially when we are trying to make ends meet with just my husband's salary while I am staying home with Ethan.  I used to turn my nose up at thrift and consignment stores, but once a week, E and I will get to all the area thrift stores (we go to 8 on a regular basis!)

When E was just a few weeks old, I discovered consignment sales, or mom2mom sales! OMG! It was like heaven for a cheapskate! entire church gyms filled with gently used baby stuff, cribs, clothes, toys, and more! I am now the queen of the consignment sale and almost NEVER buy Ethan anything retail! My mom and Mother in law are getting in to it to!

I also started consigning at this sale last year and I made a fair amount of money (over $200) which basically paid for Ethan's wardrobe that season!

The system is good, you price and tag your own items, and then they go into this HUGE room by catagories, or sizes. Sounds simple, right? Well, the process takes forever! You make you tags, complete with scannable barcodes, on the website. You hang all your items, enter this info, print the tags, fasten the tags, etc. Eventually you have to transport everything to the sale (TUESDAY!) I have been hanging and pricing since about 10pm. It is now 5 am. I am tired!

I think my items are priced well... hard to tell, but we (my mom, my mother in law, my sister, ethan and I)went to a Just Between Friends event yesterday and I think I priced as well as, if not better than others I saw. I still have 2 big bins of clothes to price, then I will go through E's shoes, toys and books. I sold a lot of the big baby stuff last time. I am considering next time selling Ethan's highchair and moving him permanently to the table with a booster, but not this time.

I am volunteering at this sale, for quite a few things, so I will get to shop well before the general public! (whoo hoo!) I am working Tuesday when the consigners drop off. I will be inspecting items being consigned, to be sure they are in good condition, and then on Friday evening, I will be dropping off dinner for other volunteers. I will also be shopping, of course!

But for now, I need to go to bed, I might get 3 hours of sleep before Ethan wakes up!

Happy Easter/Passover/Spring!

Good Friday Mass with a toddler

We got there and E was so excited... there were ducks on the church lawn! We walked inside and found a pew and Ethan started to cry.
E:  more ducks, Mommy, please" he whined. "Please, mommy. ducks please. ducks, Outside!!
Me: Not now, E, later. After church.
A few minutes passed, thankfully the choir was singing. But then they stopped.
E:  more singing, mommy. More singing. ABC song?  Dayenu? (dayenu is passover, wrong religion, kid!)
Me: we will sing again in a minute. Look, there is Jesus on the cross!
E:  Jesus! Look, Jesus on the cross!  (yelling). Jesus!
Me:  (sigh)
Meanwhile, mass is starting and we are standing.
E:  milk bottle, mommy. please
me: here is your sippy cup
E: (crying) no, milk bottle. BOTTLE!
me: Sorry, baby, mommy only brought your cup. Bottle later. Here, do you want an apple stick?
E: apple sick!! apple sick!
Time passes, oh so slowly. 
E: sing a sing song.
Me: (Whispering in his ear) sing, sing a song, sing out loud, sing out strong, etc
E: more.
repeat. 
Time passes, slower and slower
E: AMEN! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmen. Amen.
(congregation: Amen)
E: Jesus on the cross!
(note... this sounds very innocent, but he was saying Jesus on the cross in the tone one might say something like, I don't know.... Christ on a cracker!) 
E: Jesus!
Me: <----wondering if she can do this!
Time passes
E; More apple sicks. apple sicks. apple sauce? apple sauce (whining now)
Me: Here is more apple, we can have apple sauce for dinner.
Priest starts to head down aisle with crucifix. Congregation lines up to touch the wood of the cross and perhaps kiss the feet of the crucifix. 
I wait until the end and then take E by the hand and we go up. We happen to get Monsignor's line and he smiles when he sees E
E: Hi.
Msgr: Hi. Do you want to kiss Jesus's feet?
E: Jesus on the cross! feet. No feet (shaking his head, looking at Msgr like he has lost it)
Msgr (stifling a laugh) ok. (blessed E)
E: (walking back to our seat) Jesus feet!
Me: Slowly dying. 
Time passed. Communion. 
Me: Come on, let's go see Msgr.
E: ok, monster (I think he was trying to say monsignor, but it really sounded like monster)
We go up, I am holding E, I open my mouth for communion, expecting a host to be placed in my mouth by the priest. Instead, I get sticky apple fingers. Moving his hand, I get the host and put E down so I can make the sign of the cross. 
E: (Pointing to cross) Jesus! Ahhhhmen. AHMEN!!
Me: Hush, baby, quiet voice.
E: AMENAMENAMENAMEN
Me: Sigh.
(all the old ladies laugh and smile at him)
E: Amen!
Me: (I am beginning to think E isn't just Catholic and Jewish, he might have a bit of Southern Baptist or Born Again Christian in him.  I vow to myself, if he says Alleluia, I am outta there.)
E: Jesus feet, No.
Priest: Mass has ended, go in peace. 
Me: Alleluia!!!!

My kid is amazing.

I know, we all think that. That is ok... but my husband and I sometimes just spend our days listening and watching. We expected a smart kid, cause neither of us is lacking in brains (I am lacking in the common sense area, but that is a story for another day!) but wow, he is sharp!

yesterday he was sick... so he got so lie around on mommy all day. Today, he seemed fine, so business as usual. But I wasn't feeling particularly fantabulous today, so I was trying to rest. Ethan climbed up on my lap and handed me the remote.
"hakuna matata" he said, matter of factly
"No, E, it isn't time for the Lion King. Let's get a book"  I reasoned.
"hakuna matata, Mommy. remote. TV. more" he insisted.
"Ethan, we already watched Elmo today, no more TV"

So dejectedly he climbed down, whimpering (probably calling me some names under his breath, too!) and went about his busimess. After a bit, he comes back, rubbing his eyes, and with his lip stuck out, and laid his head on my lap. I stroked his hair and wondered if his belly was bothering him again. Gathering him up, I settled him under the blanket with me, and my little manipulator turned to me and with his head resting against my chest, looked up through his eyelashed and said with purpose,
"hakuna matata"

Well, what would you have done??

Later, I was rocking him in his room,. after an unsuccessful attempt to get him in for a nap... The phone rang, and T answered it in his office. Taking his thumb out of his mouth for a second, he said,
"Phone. Bubbie, Zaydie, Grammy. Phone."  and then promptly put his thumb back in. Apparenty only grandparents call us.
We could hear Daddy on the phone, and his one sided conversation went like this:
T: Hello?
T: Oh, he is fine today. He ------------
I don't know what he said after that, because I was listening to Ethan  say this:
"Bubbie, Fine today. Fine. Fine. No night-night. Light. Light. Fine Mommy"

Oh, and it was Bubbie and she did ask if he was ok! :)

I really have to upload some videos from the Flip, so that I can take more... he is so funny with his new dance! apparently, he gets his rhythm from his dad!

We had dinner at Pumpernicks and Ethan, as per usual was all about the pickles! We got him a burger, which he was eating fine, as long as he also had pickles!

(please excuse the lousy iphone picture... hard to take a picture with a moving target!)

He scarfed down my broccoli, too. Then we let him have some of his fries (why do kids meals always come with fries?) Suddenly pickles are good... but fries are better!

Shame we didn't get a picture of the chocolate pudding!

It shouldn't be like that...

So although I haven't mentioned it, I am infertile. It isn't a bad word to say, not nearly as bad a word as it is to be... Yes, I do have a child. He was an IVF baby, and we had to overcome not one, not two, not three but 4 diagnosis to get on the path that brought us to our perfect little one.  I have PCOS, I am diabetic, I have thyroid disease, and I am old. (I was almost 38 when E was conceived) Oh and my tubes are inexplicably blocked. So we know we are incredibly  blessed to have him, and someday i will write out his story... but not tonight!
Infertility is a weird thing. On one hand, we are lucky, we aren't dying, we aren't sick and there are treatments. But on the other hand, what do most people do after they get married? have a baby! and then another and so on.. Or they get to choose not to... Those 1 out of every 5 couples? we dont get to choose. We need to see doctors to get pregnant, stay pregnant and so on...
SO on to my point... Surprise pregnancy for other IF people. I should ALWAYS be happy for them! They have fought the long road I have also fought, and have been fortunate, as I have been, to come out on the other side.  But everyday I am somehow reminded that the only way I can fulfill my dream of another child is to go through another IVF... and when I see someone get a surprise pregnancy... it hurts. It hits somewhere so deep inside that I can't even access it, and I feel cheated. I do feel happy for them, but I feel so sad ans defeated and angry and resentful and guilty for me. And I hate it. IF doesn't define me, but it has changed me. I dont know if I have been changed for the better, but I have been changed for good. (yeah, I totally stole that line from a musical!) I want to be happy for everyone who gets pregnant, without feeling that painful fist to the gut. the room starts to close around me and I start to ache inside, and it gets sharper and sharper until it feels like I might break in half. I hate it and I don't want to feel it.
It shouldn't be like that.

by the way, this cartoon is cute, but totally wrong... 1st the doctor works out his  golf schedule with putting his patients on birth control, and then he aspirates the follicles, THEN is the transfer of the embryo, and a prayer for a little miracle!!

Ethan's Words!

My friend Kim posted the other day about words her son Charlie says and I love that idea, so I shamelessly have decided to steal it!
Photo taken by my friend Rachel of Brisham Photography.


































So words Ethan says:

Mommy
Daddy
Kenzie
Birdies
Dogs
horse
duck
goose
goat
seal
bear
tiger
lion
penguin
tickle
silly
funny
fine
sheep                                                     
cow
lamb
fish
giraffe
monkey
car
table
light
phone
iphone (yup!)
computer ('puter)
window
house
door
Grammy (Gammy)
Bubbie
Pop Pop
Zaydie
book
burger
jump
hat
shoe
socks
jacket
coat
clock
elmo
rosita
ernie
bert
zoe
Abby Cadaby (he says Abby Gabby)
remote
TV
coffee
beans
broccoli
corn
noodles
pad thai
chicken
bread
thank you
please
beans
soup
cookie
milk
bottle
cup
drink
help
stick
fix
more
read
uncle Danny
uncle Mark
Matan
Aunt Peri
Mimi
Uncle Jeff
Michael
Courtney
rock
sing
abc song
toes
feet
fingers
hands
nose
belly
arms
ears
eyes
teeth
brush
lips
open
money
stones
rock
driveway
frog
dinosaur
butterfly
caterpillar
cold
ladybug
spider
beetle
cat
up
down (although sometimes he says updown as one word!)
hai ya (like karate!)
apple
banana
berries
fruit
soda
cookie
cracker
dirty
mud
seat
hurt
fix
no
yes
why
couch
bag
diaper
pee
poop
buckle
cart
Jesus
God
prayers
passover (passerv)
seder
broken
bubbles
basketall (basketball)
outside
hippotomus
rhino
elephant
fish
turtle
frog
tadpole
eagle
touchdown
foul
glasses
cards
bookshelf
rocker
container
highchair
booster
help
stuck
easter bunny
truck
flowers
squirrel
overalls
diaper cream
cushion
comfy
sleepy
keppy (head in yiddish)
tractor
mower
bubble wand
walk
hold
carry
shake
dance
picture
camera
play
toys
animals
dirty
clean
shower
bath
wash
soap
crackers
jump
stew
earrings
pretty
gentle
hit
cry
cough
broken
office
room
stairs
steps
doorbell
ring

I might have some duplicates, too! :)


I know there are more and I will update them when I think of them! :)