My thoughts in my Infertility

I posted a while back about some unfair aspects of IF. See that post here. But a friend going through a really lousy time reminded me that I wrote the following, in response to a message board post, asking for commentary for National Infertility Awareness Week. I had forgotten these words and they are worth remembering. and T, I know you don't want 'I'm sorry's"  but know you are not far from all our thoughts.

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My full thoughts on going through IF......

 I wish someone had told me that IF could change  you, and it can be a change for the better. We all know it make us sad, frustrated, angry and bitter. I am still sometimes all of those things, but impossible to see, until many months after my son was born, is there there was some good, too. Once I got past amazement that he was ours, that IVF did work (the second time) that I didn't miscarry or any of the other million things that terrified me the entire 39weeks and 1 day I was pregnant, I was able to get a glimpse of another reality. IF made me a better person.
Imagine that? In a few ways, too.

I never thought I was that determined, until I tried to get pregnant, with a doctor, for 27 months.

I never thought I was that bold, until I had to demand good care.

I never knew I had such tenacity, until our 9th IUI

I never thought I was that sensitive, until I sobbed and sobbed when I found out I had blocked tubes on top of diabetes, PCOS, AMA and hypothyroid.

I never thought I was brave, until I had to give myself upwards of 100 shots, in spite of a fear of needles.

I never thought I was strong, until the day I realized IVF#1 did not work, and we had to do it again.

I never thought I was compassionate, until I started to care for a message board full of women like they were my best friends. 

I have been changed for the better and I like who I am,  very much. I am a strong, bold and compassionate person, and I am not sure I would have become this person, this Mother to Ethan, if I hadn't followed this path. If I had one wish, of course, i would make it that I didn't have to do it, but since we know that isn't how it works,  I appreciate what it taught me about myself.  If I had one wish now, I would wish none of you had to go through this, I would wish no one ever had to 'learn' from IF, because as lessons go, it sucks. It isn't fair.But for me, since going through it was a necessary evil, I learned things I am not sure I would ever have known.

 I pray that everyone will come out on the other side, with the family they dream of, in whatever way it takes. You are always in my thoughts.